**Please note: My friends share my sarcastic/cynical humor**
Another disingenuous survey - Scott
So be honest, do you have a girl?
I found one in a box of Cracker Jacks. I'm collecting all 4.
What did your last text say?
It said, "So be honest, do you have a girl?"
Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now?
Ooh, fresh!
Think back to June. Who did you like?
Like OMG111
Do you fall for people easily?
People? No.
If you are sitting on the porch and see an ant, do you squash it?
I eat it.
What's on your mind right now?
I'm thinking about going to the bathroom. What's your view on that?
Is there a person of the same sex who means a lot to you?
Anyone who likes the same kind of sex as me means a lot.
Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
Who doesn't.
How late did you stay up last night?
I partied all the time.
Do you smoke crack everyday?
Never on a Sunday.
Have you ever cried so much you threw up?
No, but I threw up so much that I laughed.
Would you rather be mad or sad?
Glad.
If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
I'd move into a place in St George that wasn't located on top of an ancient spider burial site.
Have you ever got a D or E on your report card?
Have I ever got? You have, apparently.
Were you happy when you woke up today?
I'm still not happy about it.
Do you believe in true love?
I believe in false love.
What does your hair look like right now?
Disheveled, like a chi-mo.
Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?
Why aren't you asking me if I think I'll be alive in 3 years? Let's not get too ambitious, please.
Would you kiss anyone you have texts from in your phone?
Are we really talking about kissing? Really? Talk to me in 6 years when you've gotten your first venereal disease, kiddo.
Honestly, if you could go back one month and change something would you?
I'd go back and kill the 15 year old who gave me a cookies and cream shake at Iceberg instead of cookie dough.
What's your third text say?
Call me --Love, Satan
What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Killing bugs who are all conveniently the same exact color as my carpet.
Is tomorrow gonna be a good day?
Today I didn't even have to use my A-K.
Do you secretly like someone?
Die.
Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot?
Yeah, I just think of the last time I felt massive disappointment and go back a couple months from there.
Is something wrong with you right now?
Nothing a little Levitra can't cure...(cough).
What are you listening to?
Classic rock by ugly people, so you know it's good.
What's your mood right now?
I'm filled with mirth.
You find out your ex is having a kid with someone you don't like, you say?
Ok, so two people I don't like are having a kid.
Could you last in a relationship for over a year?
Only if they promised I could kill them at the end of the year.
Do you remember the name of your first school you ever went to?
Fair Oaks School For Illegal Immigrants and Children of Parents Too Dumb to Get an Intradistrict Transfer
Were you single on your last birthday?
I'll tell you when I have my last birthday.
Tomorrow is?
Another excruciating day closer to death. LOL.
What were you doing at 12:00am last night?
Hiding from spiders on my orange couch.
Are you lying to yourself about something?
There's not nearly enough room to list all those.
Who was the first person you talked to this morning?
Myself.
Do you like anyone right now?
Good thing you haven't asked this question 8 times already, or someone might be getting pissed by now.
Miss anyone right now?
I always hit my target.
Last person you saw?
The man in the mirror. Sniffle.
Who has hurt you the most?
Brett Favruh.
Has a tragedy ever happened in your life?
I went to Del Taco and some douche 15 year old put lettuce in my tacos when I asked him to hold the lettuce.
Are you happy?
I'm herpe.
Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
Enter Sandman reminds me of that time when my dad put my bed out on the freeway and I woke up just as a big rig was about to hit me.
Ever been told someone loved you?
Yeah, but it was a wrong number.
Do you ever think about the past?
Only to plot revenge against those who have wronged me. Like the Del Taco guy. Dammit.
Does anyone know your password besides you?
Just Jesus.
Was last night terrible?
I don't know, try being 6'2" and sleeping on a tiny orange couch made of pleather.
Who was the last person to lay in bed with you?
I knew I should've asked her name.
What were you doing when you found out Michael Jackson was dead?
Holding my hands on Michael Jackson's throat and squeezing.
Do you want to talk to someone right now?
Only if it's a $150/hr shrink. That does a lot of good.
Would you rather sing or dance in front of 100,000 people?
Strip.
Would it be more likely of you to fail Science or Math?
Neither. You, on the other hand, are certain to fail English.
Do you have any friends who you secretly dislike?
Yeah, especially the ones reading this survey.
Do you currently like someone who doesn't know you exist?
I like someone who doesn't exist.
Was the last place you kissed somewhere romantic?
Bathrooms can be quite romantic.
What's your middle name?
You thought I was gonna say Danger, didn't ya. It's Danger.
Do you know anyone who got an abortion?
Your mom.
What would happen if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
She'd probably be Mexican.
Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
The guy who told me to squeal like a pig.
Was your last kiss drunk or sober?
My last kiss had way too much to drink, especially for a kiss. Kisses should never drink. Then it got behind the wheel, and well, you know, nothing good ever comes of that. Ho ho ho, sigh.
I found one in a box of Cracker Jacks. I'm collecting all 4.
What did your last text say?
It said, "So be honest, do you have a girl?"
Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now?
Ooh, fresh!
Think back to June. Who did you like?
Like OMG111
Do you fall for people easily?
People? No.
If you are sitting on the porch and see an ant, do you squash it?
I eat it.
What's on your mind right now?
I'm thinking about going to the bathroom. What's your view on that?
Is there a person of the same sex who means a lot to you?
Anyone who likes the same kind of sex as me means a lot.
Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
Who doesn't.
How late did you stay up last night?
I partied all the time.
Do you smoke crack everyday?
Never on a Sunday.
Have you ever cried so much you threw up?
No, but I threw up so much that I laughed.
Would you rather be mad or sad?
Glad.
If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
I'd move into a place in St George that wasn't located on top of an ancient spider burial site.
Have you ever got a D or E on your report card?
Have I ever got? You have, apparently.
Were you happy when you woke up today?
I'm still not happy about it.
Do you believe in true love?
I believe in false love.
What does your hair look like right now?
Disheveled, like a chi-mo.
Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?
Why aren't you asking me if I think I'll be alive in 3 years? Let's not get too ambitious, please.
Would you kiss anyone you have texts from in your phone?
Are we really talking about kissing? Really? Talk to me in 6 years when you've gotten your first venereal disease, kiddo.
Honestly, if you could go back one month and change something would you?
I'd go back and kill the 15 year old who gave me a cookies and cream shake at Iceberg instead of cookie dough.
What's your third text say?
Call me --Love, Satan
What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Killing bugs who are all conveniently the same exact color as my carpet.
Is tomorrow gonna be a good day?
Today I didn't even have to use my A-K.
Do you secretly like someone?
Die.
Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot?
Yeah, I just think of the last time I felt massive disappointment and go back a couple months from there.
Is something wrong with you right now?
Nothing a little Levitra can't cure...(cough).
What are you listening to?
Classic rock by ugly people, so you know it's good.
What's your mood right now?
I'm filled with mirth.
You find out your ex is having a kid with someone you don't like, you say?
Ok, so two people I don't like are having a kid.
Could you last in a relationship for over a year?
Only if they promised I could kill them at the end of the year.
Do you remember the name of your first school you ever went to?
Fair Oaks School For Illegal Immigrants and Children of Parents Too Dumb to Get an Intradistrict Transfer
Were you single on your last birthday?
I'll tell you when I have my last birthday.
Tomorrow is?
Another excruciating day closer to death. LOL.
What were you doing at 12:00am last night?
Hiding from spiders on my orange couch.
Are you lying to yourself about something?
There's not nearly enough room to list all those.
Who was the first person you talked to this morning?
Myself.
Do you like anyone right now?
Good thing you haven't asked this question 8 times already, or someone might be getting pissed by now.
Miss anyone right now?
I always hit my target.
Last person you saw?
The man in the mirror. Sniffle.
Who has hurt you the most?
Brett Favruh.
Has a tragedy ever happened in your life?
I went to Del Taco and some douche 15 year old put lettuce in my tacos when I asked him to hold the lettuce.
Are you happy?
I'm herpe.
Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
Enter Sandman reminds me of that time when my dad put my bed out on the freeway and I woke up just as a big rig was about to hit me.
Ever been told someone loved you?
Yeah, but it was a wrong number.
Do you ever think about the past?
Only to plot revenge against those who have wronged me. Like the Del Taco guy. Dammit.
Does anyone know your password besides you?
Just Jesus.
Was last night terrible?
I don't know, try being 6'2" and sleeping on a tiny orange couch made of pleather.
Who was the last person to lay in bed with you?
I knew I should've asked her name.
What were you doing when you found out Michael Jackson was dead?
Holding my hands on Michael Jackson's throat and squeezing.
Do you want to talk to someone right now?
Only if it's a $150/hr shrink. That does a lot of good.
Would you rather sing or dance in front of 100,000 people?
Strip.
Would it be more likely of you to fail Science or Math?
Neither. You, on the other hand, are certain to fail English.
Do you have any friends who you secretly dislike?
Yeah, especially the ones reading this survey.
Do you currently like someone who doesn't know you exist?
I like someone who doesn't exist.
Was the last place you kissed somewhere romantic?
Bathrooms can be quite romantic.
What's your middle name?
You thought I was gonna say Danger, didn't ya. It's Danger.
Do you know anyone who got an abortion?
Your mom.
What would happen if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
She'd probably be Mexican.
Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
The guy who told me to squeal like a pig.
Was your last kiss drunk or sober?
My last kiss had way too much to drink, especially for a kiss. Kisses should never drink. Then it got behind the wheel, and well, you know, nothing good ever comes of that. Ho ho ho, sigh.
********************************************************************************
Online Dating - Scott
Years of online dating have helped me compose a profile for one of those LDS singles web sites that will most assuredly make the Mormon girls swoon. And here it is...
--------------------------
A little about me...
I'm an astronaut with 3 PhD's in Rocket Science, Brain Surgery, and Women's Studies. In my spare time, I pay old ladies to let me mow their lawns. I'm fabulously wealthy but somehow have endless amounts of time to spend with that special someone, whoever she might be.
I love children, especially ones who aren't mine and have behavioral problems, preferably on multiple medications. Speaking of being medicated, I love people who put lists of demands and deal breakers on their profiles, worded as belligerently as possible so that their resentment drips off my computer screen.
I'm always romantic, never say the wrong thing, never make mistakes, and my goal in life is to develop a personality so vanilla that I can blend seamlessly and uncontroversially into your circle of friends and family. And you are always right, especially during that time of the month, when you're even more right than usual.
How I feel about the Church...
Well, you know how it is. Haha, just kidding. I know you don't.
I've received my perfect church attendance award every year except 1998. That was the year a plane crashed into my house, causing me to miss Priesthood meeting one week. I'm still haunted by it (missing Priesthood, not the plane crash).
What I do for fun...
I love lame pop music and lazily written romantic comedies. I'm also quite fond of trips to the mall where my significant other works in conjunction with the in-house gay clothes folder to help me look gayer.
On this site, I like to view all the profiles of girls under 25 so that I can be thought of as "creepy" by as many women as possible.
I wish I had a wiener dog. That's true.
--------------------------
A little about me...
I'm an astronaut with 3 PhD's in Rocket Science, Brain Surgery, and Women's Studies. In my spare time, I pay old ladies to let me mow their lawns. I'm fabulously wealthy but somehow have endless amounts of time to spend with that special someone, whoever she might be.
I love children, especially ones who aren't mine and have behavioral problems, preferably on multiple medications. Speaking of being medicated, I love people who put lists of demands and deal breakers on their profiles, worded as belligerently as possible so that their resentment drips off my computer screen.
I'm always romantic, never say the wrong thing, never make mistakes, and my goal in life is to develop a personality so vanilla that I can blend seamlessly and uncontroversially into your circle of friends and family. And you are always right, especially during that time of the month, when you're even more right than usual.
How I feel about the Church...
Well, you know how it is. Haha, just kidding. I know you don't.
I've received my perfect church attendance award every year except 1998. That was the year a plane crashed into my house, causing me to miss Priesthood meeting one week. I'm still haunted by it (missing Priesthood, not the plane crash).
What I do for fun...
I love lame pop music and lazily written romantic comedies. I'm also quite fond of trips to the mall where my significant other works in conjunction with the in-house gay clothes folder to help me look gayer.
On this site, I like to view all the profiles of girls under 25 so that I can be thought of as "creepy" by as many women as possible.
I wish I had a wiener dog. That's true.
************************************************************************************************************
Another fascinating survey - Kristin
Finish the sentence:
Hi, my name is:
Slim Shady
My eyes are:
baby poo colored. and practically blind
I want to have kids:
when I'm not around screaming ones
I wish I was:
taller
Currently I am:
supposed to be working. clearly that is not happening
I love:
Food. Lots of it. Oh, and Ron.
Never in my life have I :
been able to do the splits
My favorite animal is:
one that resides outdoors or in a tank or cage
My favorite color(s) are:
black. like my soul
Right now, I am listening:
to no one. really no different than usual.
If you're gonna talk shit about me:
make it REALLY juicy, please
The one person who can drive me nuts:
One?? You think there is only ONE??
When I'm nervous:
I pee on the carpet
The last song I listened to was:
something by Mozart
If you were to get married today your maid of honor/best man & bridesmaids/groomsmen:
Sigh
My hair is:
SOOOO ready to be colored again!! 5 more days...
When I was 4:
I started kindergarten. Big mistake, mom and dad
My mom:
Is very compassionate
My dad:
Is hilarious
Last Christmas:
I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away....
I should be:
working
When I look down:
I see a fabulous rack.
The happiest recent event was:
uh...my boss leaving for the surgical center this morning
My current annoyance is:
my messy desk. and my messy house
The thing I want to buy is:
a one-way ticket to somewhere tropical
If you visited the place I grew up:
take a gun
Most recent thing I've bought myself was:
tampons. hey, you asked.
Most recent thing someone else bought me was:
lunch today. mmmm
If I was an animal I'd be:
less stressed out
Yesterday I:
worked out for 18 minutes and I am so stiff I can barely move today. I. Am. Lame.
Last night I was:
eating super unhealthy greasy food, and then paying for it.
Tomorrow I am:
going streaking through my neighborhood.
Tonight I am:
going to be a lazy slob as always
My favorite piece of jewelery is:
my obnoxious pink ring
I am looking forward to:
bedtime tonight
The one that knows the most about me is:
probably Courtney, but she broke up with me in October
If my special someone were to bring me flowers I would want them to be:
colorful and fun
**************************************************************
Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"
Pick Your Artist:
Jimmy Buffett
Are you a male or female:
Treat Her Like a Lady
Describe yourself:
Jolly Mon
How do you feel:
Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw
Describe where you currently live:
Changes in Latitudes , Changes in Attitudes
If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Margaritaville
Your favorite form of transportation:
One Particular Harbor
Your best friend is:
Gypsies in the Palace
You and your best friends are:
Son of a Son of a Sailor
What's the weather like:
Last Mango in Paris
What's your favorite time:
It's 5 o'clock Somewhere
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me
What is life to you:
Burn That Bridge
Your last relationship:
The Asshole Song
Your fear:
The Pascagoula Run
What is the best advice you have to give:
What Living Is To Me
Thought for the Day:
Knees of My Heart
How I would like to die:
Volcano
My soul's present condition:
Cheeseburger in Paradise
My motto:
The Wino and I Know
Pick Your Artist:
Jimmy Buffett
Are you a male or female:
Treat Her Like a Lady
Describe yourself:
Jolly Mon
How do you feel:
Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw
Describe where you currently live:
Changes in Latitudes , Changes in Attitudes
If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Margaritaville
Your favorite form of transportation:
One Particular Harbor
Your best friend is:
Gypsies in the Palace
You and your best friends are:
Son of a Son of a Sailor
What's the weather like:
Last Mango in Paris
What's your favorite time:
It's 5 o'clock Somewhere
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me
What is life to you:
Burn That Bridge
Your last relationship:
The Asshole Song
Your fear:
The Pascagoula Run
What is the best advice you have to give:
What Living Is To Me
Thought for the Day:
Knees of My Heart
How I would like to die:
Volcano
My soul's present condition:
Cheeseburger in Paradise
My motto:
The Wino and I Know
*************************************************************************
High School (with the kind of insincere answers you've come to expect)
Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be! At the end, choose 10 people (or more) to be tagged.
(To do this, go to "notes" under the tabs on your profile page, copy and paste my note in the body of the note, delete my answers and type yours, tag 10 people [in the right hand corner of the app]. Then click publish.)
IN YOUR SENIOR YEAR DID YOU...
1. Did you date someone from your school?
All the girls from the special ed class
2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
I got married in middle school to the janitor
3. Did you car pool to school?
I usually just stole a car
4. What kind of car did you have?
Your grandma's
5. What kind of car do you have now?
Yours
6. It's Saturday night...where are you now?
In jail
7. It is Saturday night...where were you then?
Breaking into friends' houses to steal their Playboys
8. What kind of job did you have in high school?
The kind that makes you hate people for the rest of your life
9. What kind of job do you do now?
Punjab
10. Were you a party animal?
I was a party favor...I had to do someone a favor to get invited to a party
11. Were you considered a flirt?
Tee hee
12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
I was lame, but not that lame
13. Were you a nerd?
Take a wild stab
14. Did you get suspended or expelled?
If only
15. Can you sing the fight song?
I think it went a little something like this: Go Warriors, rah rah rah, our football team wins once every two years, rah rah rah, our cheerleaders have penicillin IV drips, rah rah rah, and the rest of us are a bunch of queers, gooooooo YV!
16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s)?
The ones who didn't take roll
17. Where did you sit during lunch?
The garbage can
18. What was your school's full name?
Ygnacio Valley High School For Spoiled Pricks, Bussed-In Minorities, and Middle Class Zombies
19. When did you graduate?
Not long enough ago
20. What was your school mascot?
Riverdance the Drunken Indian Stereotype
21. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
Hahahahahahahahaha
22. Did you have fun at Prom?
It was swell, Beav
23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with?
Dude, I don't even remember her name
24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion?
If I can acquire enough weaponry by then
25. Do you still talk to people from school?
Yeah, but they don't talk to me
26. School Colors?
White and Mexican, with a pinch of Black
(To do this, go to "notes" under the tabs on your profile page, copy and paste my note in the body of the note, delete my answers and type yours, tag 10 people [in the right hand corner of the app]. Then click publish.)
IN YOUR SENIOR YEAR DID YOU...
1. Did you date someone from your school?
All the girls from the special ed class
2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
I got married in middle school to the janitor
3. Did you car pool to school?
I usually just stole a car
4. What kind of car did you have?
Your grandma's
5. What kind of car do you have now?
Yours
6. It's Saturday night...where are you now?
In jail
7. It is Saturday night...where were you then?
Breaking into friends' houses to steal their Playboys
8. What kind of job did you have in high school?
The kind that makes you hate people for the rest of your life
9. What kind of job do you do now?
Punjab
10. Were you a party animal?
I was a party favor...I had to do someone a favor to get invited to a party
11. Were you considered a flirt?
Tee hee
12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
I was lame, but not that lame
13. Were you a nerd?
Take a wild stab
14. Did you get suspended or expelled?
If only
15. Can you sing the fight song?
I think it went a little something like this: Go Warriors, rah rah rah, our football team wins once every two years, rah rah rah, our cheerleaders have penicillin IV drips, rah rah rah, and the rest of us are a bunch of queers, gooooooo YV!
16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s)?
The ones who didn't take roll
17. Where did you sit during lunch?
The garbage can
18. What was your school's full name?
Ygnacio Valley High School For Spoiled Pricks, Bussed-In Minorities, and Middle Class Zombies
19. When did you graduate?
Not long enough ago
20. What was your school mascot?
Riverdance the Drunken Indian Stereotype
21. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
Hahahahahahahahaha
22. Did you have fun at Prom?
It was swell, Beav
23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with?
Dude, I don't even remember her name
24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion?
If I can acquire enough weaponry by then
25. Do you still talk to people from school?
Yeah, but they don't talk to me
26. School Colors?
White and Mexican, with a pinch of Black
****************************************************************
Those are just a sampling.... I love my friends.
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